I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
lol hangovers are for mortals.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
