dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Operation Purity has been aborted
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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