Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
