how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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