I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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