i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
