I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
