textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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