Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
