Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
