Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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