am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
