I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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