got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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