phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
