you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
