I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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