She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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