i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
