So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think people are normalizing furries
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
