True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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