drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
our cab driver is having phone sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
