I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
