how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
