I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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