You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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