Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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