they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I just put wine in my tea
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
