I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
