Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
