i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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