My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
