I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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