Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
