Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
