Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
