your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
