Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
