Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
