This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
