I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
