just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
