About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
