She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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