Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
