quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
