No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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