3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You ruined the universe
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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