yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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