is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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