I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He shit in the fireplace
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
