Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
