He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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