just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
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